Boy comes home and tells his parents he has just had sex for he first time, the proud Dad says 'I'll buy you a bike to celebrate, but you w ill have to wait until next pay day' boy says 'that's alright Dad, my arse is too sore to ride it now anyway'





Bloke shagging his girlfriend says' Bend over we'll try the social security position' ' What the hell is that ?' she says ' When my balls touch your arse you're getting the full benefit'





Had my first Gig as a stand up comedian at an old people's home last night. They didn't get any of my jokes but they still pissed themselves.




What is the medical term for the fatty tissue surrounding the clitoris? .......... The wife







Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, ' How dare you call me a slapper, get out of my bed right now ........... and take your fucking mates with you'



I was at Tesco this afternoon, when a lady dropped dead in front of me, I felt really sorry for her - she had just bought a Bag for Life.




I'm quite worried what the kids are up to lately. Today saw a small girl imitating the doggy position with her Barbie and Ken dolls, I said ' you will have baby dolls if you do that' . She said 'It's OK he's doing it up her arse'








McVities have honoured Lewis Hamilton by putting a picture of him and his F1 car on their new range of chocolate biscuits ' Wogon Wheels' will be on sale soon in all well known supermarkets.




Teacher says to little Tommy 'Why weren't you at school yesterday?' Tommy says 'My grandfather got burnt' Teacher says 'Badly?' Little Tommy says ' Yes, they don't fuck about at the crematorium . '








A friend of mine says he is shagging twins, I said ' How can you tell the difference?' he said ' Her brother has got a moustache ?








Hubby has ' I love you' tatooed on his penis, and goes home to show his wife, she says 'There you go again, trying to put words in my mouth'








A charity pantomime in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenic Homosexuals descended into chaos yesterday when somebody shouted ' He's behind you !'








Bored on your way to work? On the bus, tube or train? Pretend you are on the phone, talk about your 4 week holiday in Mexico. Hang up and then sneeze.